Back to Being a Little Bit Worse than Before

Dear Ellie,

The colossal spike in your 02 needs has passed, you are stable again, but now we're back to being a little bit worse off than a week ago.  We've gone through about 4 of those cycles now.  Each day grates down on our spirit more and more.  Even 14 days ago, I was wondering how much longer we could do this.  Most babies of your gestational age would be making their first attempts at moving off the ventilator, if they weren't off already.  Each ounce they would add to their little bodies would make their lungs stronger lungs, not weaker and weaker.  The ventilator is perverse, in a way, because while it is the only thing that stands between you and suffocation, it is also simultaneously damaging your lungs.  The more your ventilator needs go up, the more your lungs are damaged, which then drive up the ventilator settings ever more.  It's a perverse cycle.

On the bright side, there are still "options."  We can give you post-natal steroids, and if the steroids don't work either, we can always make a hole in your throat.