Thursday, February 13, 2014

Riding the Ventilator

Dear Ellie,

When you get lazy, you do something the nurses call "riding the ventilator."  It's sounds almost fun.  Like something you'd look forward to before visiting a theme park.  Unfortunately, "riding the ventilator" is a euphemism for "deciding not to breath voluntarily."  Normally, when it comes to other things in life, I would recommend that you work smart, not hard.  If you end up being anything like me, you are probably delegating your chores to friends.  If this were acceptable and prudent, you might wonder: "Why not delegate breathing as well?  It's so tedious."

Yeah.  No.  Not this time.  Bad Ellie.  No gold stars for you.

In your defense, I'm told there was a good reason for this ride you took on the ventilator.  When the nurses tried to put you on your back, you flailed around so much that by the time they finally put you on your belly again, you didn't have any energy left to breath on your own.

On your ventilator monitor, there are two lines that spike up and down.  One line is red.  That line spikes every time you volunteer to take a breath.  The other line is green.  It spikes when the machine notices that you haven't been breathing, then breathes for you.  Every time I see that green line spike, I think of Darth Vadar.  

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